The Twelve Days of Christmas
What Really Happened...
(Sanitized for your protection)

On the first day of Christmas...
                             Miss Agnes McHolstein
                             69 Cash Avenue
                             Beaver Valley, Colorado

                             December 14, 1994

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered
a partridge in a pear tree.  What a thoroughly
delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.

                    With deepest love and devotion,

                    Agnes

On the second day of Christmas...
                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 15, 1994

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.
Just imagine two turtle doves.  I'm just delighted
at your very thoughtful gift.  They are just
adorable.

                            All my love,

                            Agnes

On the third day of Christmas...
                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 16, 1994

Dearest John:

Oh!  Aren't you the extravagant one.  Now I really
must protest.  I don't deserve such generosity,
Three French hens. They are just darling but I must
insist, you've been too kind.

                            Love,

                            Agnes

On the fourth day of Christmas...
                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 17, 1994

Dear John,

Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds.  Now
really, they are beautiful but don't you think
enough is enough. You're being too romantic.

                            Affectionately,

                            Agnes

On the fifth day of Christmas...
                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 18, 1994

Dearest John:

What a surprise.  Today the postman delivered 5
golden rings; one for every finger.  You're just
impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds
squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

                            All my love,

                            Anges

On the sixth day of Christmas...
                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 19, 1994

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese
a-laying on my front steps.  So, you're back to
the birds again, huh?  Those geese are huge.  Where
will I ever keep them?  The neighbors are
complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.

Please stop.

                            Cordially,

                            Agnes

On the seventh day of Christmas...
                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 20, 1994

John:

What's with you and those crazy birds?  7 swans
a-swimming. What kind of terrible joke is this?
There's bird shit all over the house, and they
never stop with the racket.  I can't sleep at
night and I'm a nervous wreck.  It's not funny.
So stop sending me all these birds!

                            Sincerely,

                             Agnes

On the eighth day of Christmas...
                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 21, 1994

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds.  What am I going to do
with 8 maids a-milking?  It's not enough with all
those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to
bring their cows!  There is shit all over the lawn
and I can't move in my own house.  Just lay off me,
smart ass.

                            Agnes

On the ninth day of Christmas...

                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 22, 1994

Hey!  Shithead,

What are you?  Some kind of sadist?  Now there's 9
pipers playing.  And boy, do they play.  They've
never stopped chasing those maids since they got
here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset,
and they're stepping all over those screeching
birds. What am I going to do?  The neighbors have
started a petition to evict me.

                            You'll get yours,

                            Agnes

On the tenth day of Christmas...
                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 23, 1994

You Rotten Sadist,

Now there's 10 ladies dancing.  I don't know why I
call those sluts ladies.  They've been messing with
those pipers all night long.  Now the cows can't
sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living
room is a river of shit.  The Commissioner of
Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this
building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm sicking the police on you.

                            One who means it.

On the eleventh day of Christmas...
                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 24, 1994

Listen!  Looser,

What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids
and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk
again.  Those pipers ran through the maids and
have been committing sodomy with the cows.  All
23 of the birds are dead.  They've been trampled
to death in the orgy.  I hope you're satisfied,
you rotten, vicious swine.

                            Your sworn enemy,

                            Agnes

On the twelfth day of Christmas...
                          Law Offices
                          Badger, Bender and Cahole
                          303 Knave Street
                          Chicago, Illinois

                          December 25, 1994

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12
fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to
inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total.  All
correspondence should come to our attention.
If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein
at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have
instructions to shoot you on sight.  With this
letter please find attached warrant for your
arrest.

                          Cordially,

                          Badger, Bender and Cahole


Greg's CHRISTMAS Pages
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