The 12 Days of Christmas Cutbacks
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of
- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the
cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing
considerable savings in maintenance;
- Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective.
In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions
are, therefore, eliminated;
- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
- The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system,
with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have
been calling, how often and how long they talked;
- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications
for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well
as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;
- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded.
It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an
example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an
upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from
now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;
- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The
function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans
will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;
- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny
by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant
maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process
may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased
out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of
international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing
this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat
sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed
congressmen this year;
- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band
getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no
uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and
related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over
twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include
the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen,
the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven
dwarfs is the right number.