Ten Best Uses for a Fruitcake Contest

The holidays are upon us once again. It's the time of year when we expect to hear children's laughter, see decorated trees, exchange gifts with the ones we love, and receive that ever-popular gift -- the fruitcake.

Ah yes, the fruitcake. Everyone gets them and no one is ever quite sure what to do with them. They come in every size, shape, color, and flavor. But they all have one thing in common. They rarely get eaten and tend to sit around taking up space.

So we here at the Food & Wine RoundTable present this challenge to you. Tell us what you think are the 10 best uses for a fruitcake. Just post your top 10 uses for a fruitcake list in Category 15, Topic 9 on the Food & Wine RT Bulletin Board (type FOOD or m1150;1 to get there) between 8 am EST on December 1, 1993 and 11:59 pm EST on December 15, 1993.

The Food & Wine RT staff will vote and the winner will be announced at the December 19, 1993 Cook's Chat RTC at 10:30 pm EST. Winner need not be present to win. There is a limit of one entry per GEnie account.

The winner will receive a Surprise Holiday Stocking from Cookie Lady with some fun things inside (we promise -- no fruitcakes ). So, start thinking about it and get those top 10 lists posted. Good Luck!!


Category 15, Topic 9
Message 2 Wed Dec 01, 1993
DAVE.WRIGHT at 20:55 EST

My ten uses for fruitcake:

  1. Christmas tree stand. It'll hold your tree straight and not tip over.
  2. Fruit fly repellent. Call it aversion therapy.
  3. Anvil.
  4. Mr. Fruitcake-Head.
  5. Spare tire.
  6. Put it in your toilet tank to save water.
  7. Threaten to serve it to your children if they don't behave.
  8. Put it in the back of your pickup truck for better traction.
  9. Target practice.
  10. Speed bump.
--:Dave
Category 15, Topic 9
Message 3 Thu Dec 02, 1993
A.BROADDUS [Alice in Hou] at 21:20 EST

10 BEST USES FOR A FRUITCAKE CONTEST

  1. Most obvious -- re-wrap it and hand it to that someone you forgot when you are handed a gift you didn't expect.
  2. Tie a red ribbon on it, and hang it on the patio for the birds and the squirrels to nibble on.
  3. Use the Scarlett O'Hara approach: "I'll think about it tomorrow".
  4. Or, the Rhett Butler response: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a ---- fruitcake!"
  5. Take it out of the wrapping, let it dry completely. When it is hard, wrap in fancy cover and use for a doorstop.
  6. Make some three inch round balls, paint in different colors, put numbers on them, and give them to your favorite billiard player.
  7. Take it to the office, and set it out, sliced, and someone will not be able to resist, all the while saying, "I hate fruitcake, never eat the stuff, can't stand it!"
  8. Substitute it for cheese or pecans in a mousetrap.
  9. Cut it in little cubes. Make some name labels that say, "I am a "---------" and attach the cube of fruitcake to the dotted line. The implication is obvious.
  10. If all else fails, pack it in a box and send it to me. I LOVE FRUITCAKE!
Alice in Houston
Category 15, Topic 9
Message 4 Thu Dec 02, 1993
L.CRAWFORD1 [POOH] at 21:49 EST
  1. A doorstop
  2. Chew stick for hamsters and gerbils
  3. Bricks for a hurricane proof house.
  4. A fallout shelter
  5. Lethal weapon against burglers
  6. Blocks for your mobile home tires.
  7. If you can break it up use it for cat litter
  8. Punishment for disruptive students.
  9. Weight lifting
  10. extra weight in the rear of your car to get through the snow and ice.
Oh some of it you can actually eat and that is fact stranger than fiction.

POOH in Perrine, Fl
"Silly,willy,nilly all puffed with Fluff"


Category 15, Topic 9
Message 5 Thu Dec 02, 1993
DONNA at 22:34 EST
  1. paper weight
  2. doorstop
  3. ship's anchor
  4. cannonball
  5. wrecking ball
  6. manhole cover (flatten first)
  7. heat resistant tiles for space shuttle (sliced)
  8. punching bag
  9. firing range targets
  10. crash test dummies
Donna
Category 15, Topic 9
Message 6 Fri Dec 03, 1993
L.CRAWLEY [Teaspoon] at 21:52 EST
  1. Refill ammo for the Patriot Missles
  2. Fruitcakes can be used as bribery to reduce the Nation's Deficit. Just threaten to serve your favorite Millionaire one.
  3. With the glaze that goes over the top of some of these "blocks", fruitcakes should be used to build houses for the homeless.
  4. I think I'll make a couple for the neighborhood dog to use in place of my shrubs!!!
  5. Fruitcakes can be strategically placed for your kids to stub their toes on.. After all, I keep stubbing mine on THEIR toys...
  6. Use for "chocks" (blocks) to keep the car from rolling while hubby is working under it.
  7. Save your leftover fruitcakes for patching holes in the canoe in the spring.
  8. Shotgun slugs
  9. Plant in the garden to keep ALL bugs and critters AWAY.
  10. Give to your mother-in-law as decorative bookends for Christmas.

Category 15, Topic 9
Message 7 Sat Dec 04, 1993
B.CASEY1 [#2 SON] at 04:20 EST

-=-=-=- To: Sub: 10 BEST USES FOR A FRUI -=-=-=-

  1. Feed it to my dogs to force them on a diet (Since they won't even look at them).
  2. Use them as hubcaps as a practical joke on some ones car.
  3. Give them away as gifts to those special someones that get on your nerves. Like your boss.
  4. As a paperweight.
  5. As table decorations in the "No Name Cafe". (With Candles in the middle).
  6. As a wheel stop under a car.
  7. As a ball holder for Golf in place of the tee.
  8. As a training aid for olympic shot putters.
  9. Use in place of Shuffle board pucks.
  10. USe them in place of fishing weights in deep sea fishing.

Category 15, Topic 9
Message 8 Sun Dec 05, 1993
T.DUNN8 at 00:06 EST

10 "Uses" for a Fruitcake...well, let's see...

  1. You could combine a bunch of them for use in Scottish Games (like the "tossing of the kaber" in which a men in kilts throw trees around)
  2. How about trendy patio bricks...the colors are so psychedelic!
  3. The police could use them to extract confessions from hardened criminals.
  4. As birth control..."Not tonight, honey--I've just eaten a fruitcake."
  5. Karate practice! Hiiiiiiiyaaa!
  6. NASA could build space stations with them.
  7. Bill Clinton could use them to hold down his papers.
  8. End truancy! Give kids a demerit fruitcake to eat for every day of class missed.
  9. Teenagers could stack them in their beds so that parents think they're asleep.
  10. A stratigically place fruitcake could shut up Rush Limbaugh!

Category 15, Topic 9
Message 9 Mon Dec 06, 1993
J.DEVINEY [IMA BLONDE] at 22:34 EST

10 uses for Fruitcake

  1. Use as a puppy teathing toy.
  2. Store in freezer using it for re-usible ice.
  3. Cut into thin strips and replace your car gaskets with it.
  4. Shove into the mouth of someone who talks to much..
  5. Use as drain plugs..
  6. Use as weed killer.. . .
  7. Leave it alone, and hope its only a nightmare..
  8. Instead of letter bombs, use a fruitcake...
  9. Replace the Atomic Bomb with fruitcake, that way there will be more casualty's..
  10. Carve into the shape of a floppy disk, then give it to a blonde, and tell them it's a disk drive head cleaner.

Category 15, Topic 9
Message 10 Mon Dec 06, 1993
J.MAGUIRE [Lady n Chips] at 23:03 EST

Here is the saga of one fruitcake or,
THE TEN DAYS OF CHRISTMAS --by Janice, Lady and Chips!!

DAY 1 -- For the railroad passenger car we own, a STEPBOX, we thought. Nobody would steal it-but didn't work. Too heavy to lift back on board safely; a hazard it was stated.

DAY 2 -- So Dan took to work, at a Railroad to offer as a CHOCK (which is a "doorstop" of sorts for RR. cars, to keep them from rolling away). They declined as they feared it would be put on track and cause a Derailment instead!

DAY 3-- T-Shirt Harry surely needed it as BALLAST for drowning his St Louis Stallions T-shirt supply in the river. He declined as it would cause water pollution and would get the Army Corp. of Engineers after him for changing terrain of river.

DAY4 -- So the Army Corp. of Engineers got the Call, for firming the Chesterfield LEVEE on the MO River. Businesses and animal rights agencies caused such an outcry! "All the Dead Fish!" they proclaimed that would diminish property and business values and the pooooor little animals.

DAY 5 -- The jocks might not notice an extra HOCKEY PUCK or SOCCER BALL! Too many injuries were reported that day from impact and even the Lexan protective glass was shattered.

DAY 6 -- The automakers were contacted --a SPARE TIRE for sure. Nope! It was Square, and could not be cut by their finest lathes that's for sure!

BY NOW we were desperate, and remembered the season that was near! Almost time for CHRISTMAS thus a GIFT someone would fear!

DAY 7-- The Dogs were offered this new TREAT for their taste. "NO THANK YOU" they said, as the DOG FOOD was far superior in their case!

DAY 8 --We called Santa, perhaps a REINDEER SURPRISE!! "Oh NO!" Said dear Santa, "I want those turkeys to Fly!!" "Belly draggers" he muttered and "Drunk Drivers from the rum!" COAL for those Maguire stockings for even suggesting this, even in fun!

DAY 9 -- Came the decorating and Mrs. N's Christmas tree. It's one of those old Aluminum Silver things, that turns with a motor using a COLOR WHEEL with a light! Surely fruitcake would lend new COLORS and new meaning to the season! She claimed not to know me, a friend of 40 years!! (The tree still lives on, but better bathed in white!!)

DAY 10 --This was it, time to PRAY for a spot. To the in-city Church we went thinking positive thoughts. It came to us in a shaft of light!! UNBREAKABLE STAINED GLASS if sliced thin enough would surely be right. It was cut, and was hung, and was a Beautiful SIGHT. Thus the tradition of Fruitcake lives on, this pre-Christmas night!!

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukah to all!

You all are invited over for a Little Brandied Fruitcake! :::Why is everyone turning page quickly?::::: Everyone?? Anyone home out there??

--Janice Maguire, Lady and Chips, and even Dan got in on this one!


Category 15, Topic 9
Message 11 Tue Dec 07, 1993
L.ROSENTHAL [Lew] at 00:01 EST

FRUITCAKE TOP 10 USES LIST: (drumroll, please)

  1. Roll it out and use it as a door draft stopper.
  2. Wait until spring, then put it in the center of the birdbath to give the little fellas something to sit on.
  3. Squeeze off pieces and save to chock up chairs and tables that wobble.
  4. Flatten and mount on the wall to play "Pin the Tail on the Fruitcake".
  5. Auto-theft deterrent: Instead of "The Club", "The Fruitcake".
  6. Wait until boating season and use as a boat anchor (smaller craft only).
  7. Chain it to the restroom key at your local service station.
  8. Use as a new angle on "5-day Deodorant Pads".
  9. Keep in trunk of car to use as a chock when changing a tire.
  10. Send it to the White House for the next Deficit Reduction Bake Sale.

Category 15, Topic 9
Message 12 Tue Dec 07, 1993
J.BOLLER [JacquieB] at 00:46 EST

Well, I might as well come back with a "bang" because that's what I do to FRUITCAKE...here are ten possible uses:

  1. Door stop.
  2. Send to David Letterman to help fill the space between his teeth (and his brain as well).
  3. To throw at the Doo Dah Parade officials for fencing it in.
  4. Send as wedding present for Rosanne, Tom and third party Arnold.
  5. Pre-game snack for USC football team (and don't pit the cherries).
  6. To lob over the fence to the neighbor's dog who barks too much.
  7. Use as Mighty Ducks hockey puck.
  8. Use as Whoopee cushion.
  9. After use as whoopee cushion, use as fake barf.
  10. Desk organizer...just insert plastic candy cane pens.
Sign me...NO FRUITCAKE Jacquie...
Category 15, Topic 9
Message 13 Wed Dec 08, 1993
B.RAMEY2 [ BW ] at 06:35 EST

Ten Best Uses for Fruitcakes

  1. Give them to Mikey--he's the only one who likes fruitcake.
  2. Send them all to the French, in appreciation of their hospitality to Americans who visit their country.
  3. Soak them liberally in brandy--so they can be easily disposed of by setting on fire.
  4. Decorative pin cushions.
  5. Use them to teach youngsters the etiquette of cutting and serving cakes--no one will care if they make mistakes.
  6. Demonstrate visually the enormity of the national debt by stacking uneaten fruitcakes from here to the moon.
  7. Use them in anti-drug ads: "This is your brain . . ."
  8. Cover with cream cheese and pass them off as "Christmas Cheesecakes."
  9. Start an annual parade the day after Christmas with floats made out of leftover fruitcakes.
  10. Fold, spindle, and mutilate them to your heart's content.

Category 15, Topic 9
Message 14 Sat Dec 11, 1993
E.FERGUSON [Magnolia] at 10:07 EST

*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X**X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*

Ten Uses for a Fruitcake

  1. Fruitcakes can be donated to your local law enforcement agency for use as a battering ram.
  2. They make pretty cobblestone walkways around your lawn.
  3. You can use them for foundation blocks when setting up mobile homes.
  4. When suspended from a chain, they make good counterbalances for your block and tackle.
  5. They're a perfect alternative to books for use as a flower press.
  6. They can be used to replace other foodstuffs in fallout shelters, since their shelf life is much longer than residual radiation.
  7. Fruitcakes have the ideal density to make them useful for forklift, elevator, and crane manufacturers to use for capacity testing.
  8. They make good winter fodder for livestock (providing your goats aren't too finicky).
  9. Gardners find them to be colorful substitutes for landscape timbers.
  10. To get off of junk mailing lists, you can take all those business reply envelopes, slap them on a fruitcake, and make the businesses pay the first-class return postage.

             )\              ..,a@@@a,a@@@a,..                 /(
            ( ))          .,;*;;@@@@@a@@@@@;;;;,.             (( )
             \/          ;;;;;;;;;a@@^@@a;;;*;;;;;             \/
             /          ;;;;*;;;a@@@   @@@a;;;;*;;;             \
            |~|        ;;;;;;;a@@@@   .@@@@@;;;;;;;;           |~|
            | |        ;;*;;;a@@@@@   @@'`@@@;;;;;*;           | |
            |_|        ;;;;;;@@;;@@   `@  `@;;;*;;;;           |_|
           (___)        ;;;*;;@;;;;@;;;;;*;;;;;;;;;           (___)
            ) (         `;;;;;;*;;;;;;;;;;;*;;;;'              ) (
     ______=====_____________`;;;;;;;;*;;;;;;;'_______________=====______
     |__| /o\_______________________________________________/o\___   ||_|
     |_||/ /,\___|____|____|____|____|____|____|____|____|_/ /,\__|  |__|
     |__/ /,,,\|____|____|____|____|____|____|____|____|__/ /,,,\||  ||_|
     |_|\/,,,,,\_|____|____|____|____|____|____|____|____|\/,,,,,\|__|__|
     |___\,,,,,,\___|____|____|____|____|____|____|____|___\,,,,,,\___|_|
     |_|__\,,,,,/\               /%%%%%%%%%%%\              \,,,,(  )___|
     |____|\,,,(  )             .%%%%%( )%%%%%.              \,,,,\/__|_|
     |_|___/,,,,\/              @@%%%%0%0%%%%@@              /,,,,/_|___|
     |____/,,,,,/               `@@@@@@@@@@@@@@'            /,,,,/____|_|
     |_|_( \,,,/                  \\\\\\\\\\\\\)           ( \,,/___|___|
     |____\_)/_I                    `\\\\\\\\\\)            \_)/_|____|_|
     |_|____|__I                   ^   `\\\\\\\'             I_|____|___|
     |____|____I                  ^^^     `\\\'     ^.       I___|____|_|
     |_|____|__I              .^  `^^^       *      ^^^.     I_|____|___|
     |____|____I             ^^^  ^^;^^             `^^^.    I___|____|_|
     |_|____|__I        ,-.^;;^'-^;;;;;^-----^-----,^;;;^    I_|____|___|
     |____|____I        I.;;;;;  ;;;;;;;   ^^^     I;;;^'    I___|____|_|
     |_|____|__I       _I;;;;;; ;;;;;;;   ^;;;^    I;;;;     I_|____|___|
     |____|____I      ()~;;;;;;~~~~~~~~~~~;;;;;;~~~~~);'     I___|____|_|
     |_|____|__I______(!  ::::;;           ;;;;;;    )_______I_|____|___|
              /       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~       \
             /_______________________________________________\


  Merry Christmas to all...
                         ~/\/\ a g n o l i a
*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*
Category 15, Topic 9
Message 15 Sat Dec 11, 1993
S.KRATZ [1SALlie] at 12:33 EST

Taaa Daaa Dah Daaaahhhh!!!!
At long last...MY list for the:
////////////////////////////<<<000>>>\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

TEN BEST USES FOR FRUITCAKE

  1. Bury them in the back yard for future archaeologists to discover.
  2. Give them to your son for a science project
  3. Hang on to it to find out if there REALLY is more than one Fruitcake that's making it's rounds every year!!
  4. Use it to hold up a broken table or chair leg.
  5. Mash them down and use for mortar when building a log cabin
  6. Use as exercise stepping block for step aerobics.
  7. Makes a wonderful dessert for Road Kill Cafe fare.
  8. Use them to pave the freeways with. Just place them on the road and run a steamroller over them.
  9. Use them as fillers to repair the river levees with! They last indefinitly and are so dense, water can never penetrate them.
  10. Last and probably least - try eating it! One way to get rid of it!
MERRY MERRY HO HO HO!!!
AND a FRUITCAKELESS NEW YEAR!!

SALlie [FRUITCAKE, ICKY POO, ICKY POO! DOWN WITH FRUITCAKE! ICKY
POO! Line adapted from Cookie Lady's Iced Tea line!]


Category 15, Topic 9
Message 16 Sun Dec 12, 1993
J.MERRILL1 [Jody] at 09:59 EST

10 best uses for fruitcake

  1. Go into business for yourself. Produce fruitcakes to sell to the Mafia. They can use them instead of cement blocks to tie to their victims before throwing them overboard.
  2. To prevent major earthquakes, line the San Andreas fault with fruitcakes.
  3. Use slices of fruitcake to line a vest. A great substitute for a bullet-proof vest.
  4. Invent a new game. Make round fruitcakes to use for lawn bowling or use them in a bowling alley after drilling fingerholes in them.
  5. When your child has a loose tooth but won't let you or the dentist pull it, give her a piece of fruitcake to gnaw on. That will do it!!
  6. Again, go into business for yourself by bidding on a goverment contract to mass produce fruitcakes in varied sizes to use to build indestrutable bunkers for the military.
  7. Give your fruitcake special significance by awarding it to The Fruitcake Of The Year. You choose the person who deserves to be called a fruitcake.
  8. Send fruitcakes to your representatives in Washington D.C to protest decisions with which you disagree. Protest more vehemently by sending bigger fruitcakes, less by sending smaller ones.
  9. Pad the front of your offroad vehicle with fruitcakes. A headon crash will do absolutely no damage then!
  10. Donate a fruitcake made in the design of a space shuttle to NASA. They can put it into orbit next blastoff to make other nations think we are really far advanced. Their scientists won't be able to figure out what this new material is that we are using to build spacecraft.
JODY
Category 15, Topic 9
Message 17 Mon Dec 13, 1993
L.DENN [QueenB] at 19:36 EST
  1. I must confess that I enjoy Fruitcake so for me......... The best use would be to fill my grumbling tummy!
  2. To compliment a Christmas gift basket filled with 2 china tea cups, fresh tea leaves and a set of scented candles for a romantic escape from the hustle and bustle of Christmas preparations.
  3. Spread with some cream cheese and drop into lunchbox for snacktime.
  4. Slice fruitcake, then using festive hoilday cookie cutters make cut outs from the slices. Place cut outs as garnish on your appetizer trays.
  5. Bake and give as a gift to those that were naughty and not nice! (afterall, Fruitcake does seem to be the gift most seem to hate)
  6. I serve fruitcake canapes by spreading slices with cream cheese and doubling them up on a toothpick. We eat these with eggnog while decorating our tree.
  7. You can stick a bushy branch into it and decorate the branch with minature Christmas ornaments and place on table for a unique center- piece.
  8. Crumble fruitcake into bread crumb consistency and throw onto lawn for those birds who didn't make the trip south.
  9. Fruitcake in my house makes a good bribe for good behavior from both my 7 and 8 year olds - it seems they share my good taste of adoring fruitcake!
  10. For all those wanting some type of "devilish" suggestion: Make large loaves of the stuff and toss into your fireplace in place of logs!

Category 15, Topic 9
Message 18 Tue Dec 14, 1993
C.HODGINS [Cliff] at 03:41 EST

From the Home Office in Anaheim, California:

THE TOP TEN USES FOR FRUITCAKE 10. Perfect for keeping Jimmy Hoffa at the bottom of the Hudson River where he belongs !!
9. Attach a chain and use for Olympic Hammer Throw !
8. Environmentally-correct substitute for thermonuclear weapons !
7. The perfect revenge for Mrs. Needlemayer, your 3rd grade teacher
6. Testing the law of gravity when visiting the Empire State Building !
5. Ballast for the Exxon Valdez !
4. Attach to your Reeboks for that "new" platform shoe look !!
3. Use to fill empty TV boxes and sell for $99 from the back of your pick-up !!
2. Practice for Hazardous Materials response teams on slow days !!

AND THE NUMBER ONE USE FOR CHRISTMAS FRUITCAKES (drumroll)

1. Fingerprints can't be lifted from them after use as a blunt instrument on GEnie accounting staff !!!!!!!!!!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, CHANUKKAH, KWANZAA

Cliff


Category 15, Topic 9
Message 19 Wed Dec 15, 1993
L.BEATTIE2 at 16:12 EST

Uses for fruitcake.........

  1. Plug a radiator leak.
  2. give them for "trick or treat" on Halloween.
  3. Put wheels and a rope on them, and sell them as toddlers' pull toys.
  4. Put in a traveling "ancient history" museum exhibit (like "king Tut") and film people's reactions for "America's Funniest Home Videos".
  5. Release one during a shuttlecraft mission to space, see what happens on re-entry.
  6. Carry them on your pick-up truck's gun rack instead of guns.
  7. Use instead of sandbags to hold back the flooding Mississippi.
  8. Pulverize them and dump them from helicopters to put out wildfires.
  9. Wives--bake the channel flipper into fruitcakes, see what the sports- maniac does then!
  10. Put them in toilet tanks as water saving devices.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!

(This has been difficult--I am baking fruitcakes even as i type, we LOVE a good fruitcake!)

M. Beattie


Category 15, Topic 9
Message 20 Wed Dec 15, 1993
N.HAGFORS [NANCY] at 23:23 EST

Okay, here it is! From the home office in Edina, MN:

10. Skeet shooting targets.
9. Weights for a Grandfather clock.
8. Used as a discus in the Olympics.
7. Makes a great boat anchor!
6. Sturdy bookends for all those heavy books.
5. Used as bricks in construction of all-weatherproof/disaster proof homes/buildings.
4. Properly shaped, could be used as horseshoes.
3. Used in place of wrecking ball in demolition of buildings.
2. Makes a great doorstop.

And the number one use for a fruitcake:

1. Wheels for a Yugo.

Nancy/MN
ART 2.0 + That's not line noise--my modem's speaking in tongues!


Category 15, Topic 9
Message 21 Wed Dec 15, 1993
J.EIDSVOOG1 at 23:26 EST

Here are my ten best uses for a fruitcake:

  1. Run it through a ringer and you've got great Christmas wrapping paper.
  2. When molded properly, it makes a festive cable organizer.
  3. Drop it in your toilet tank and save hundreds of gallons a year.
  4. Jogging weights.
  5. Timpani mute for soft sections -- just lay it on the surface.
  6. Use it to challenge the utility of Gallagher's Sledge-O-Matic.
  7. "Waiter, there's a fruitcake in my soup" will get you a free meal.
  8. Good wheel chock when parking on steep hills.
  9. Great at picnics for holding down the corners of the tablecloth.
  10. Eat it!
Right on cue, a package arrived today from Aunt Mabel containing two fruitcakes!

John Eidsvoog
CodeHead Technologies


Category 15, Topic 9
Message 22 Wed Dec 15, 1993
R.STIPO at 23:58 EST
  1. Use six or seven large size FRUITCAKES to shield yourself from stray X-Rays at the dentist's office when you go to get the dried fruits removed from your cavities.
  2. When traveling with FRUITCAKES: Put the FRUITCAKES in your carry-on luggage. They won't pass through X-ray inspection and will be confiscated. Option#1: Put them in an old piece of luggage, check it in at the airport with no luggage tag, and DON'T claim it when you get off the plane! Option#2: Use FRUITCAKES as luggage tags. No one will accidently take your luggage. CAUTION: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO USE FRUITCAKES AS FLOATATION DEVICES.
  3. Be a 'Proud Sponsor'. Donate FRUITCAKES to the Winter Olympics for use as Curling 'stones'. (That sport is a LOL. This should make it a ROTFL!;)
  4. Save 'em...Trade 'em! Just like baseball cards.(I *heard* Mickey Mantle's Rookie Hoilday Fruitcake sold for $1000.00 at a recent auction. And, it was un-SIGNED!:)
  5. Put a couple of 'em in your bathroom for the pleasure of your Holiday guests. FRUITCAKE POTPOURRI not only smells good when it's dried up, it looks good too!
  6. Start a FRUITCAKE CHAIN LETTER for the friend or relative that *gave* you one. Mail out six copies of the letter to six friends that also recieved fruitcakes as a gifts. Put the name of your FRUITCAKE *friend* at the bottom of the list... In 14 days he/she will recieve at least 46,656 FRUITCAKES in return!
  7. Use FRUITCAKES instead of styrofoam for sticking in pieces of pinetree branches to make holiday decorations. Those multi-color fruits look real nice if you add a string of those little clear flashing bulbs.
  8. Chop 'em up and use them as 'packing material' for your return gift!
  9. Return them to SEARS. They take anything back.
  10. Use FRUITCAKES as patio furniture umbrella stands.
Ralph

Just say "NO" to FRUITCAKES.

Friends don't let friends eat FRUITCAKES and drive.


Category 15, Topic 9
Message 23 Thu Dec 16, 1993
FW.PATTYE at 10:48 EST

The GEnie gods apparently ate one of our entries. Luckily I saved a copy of each of them as they were entered, so here is that entry again:

Food & Wine RT
Category 15, Topic 9
Message 3 Wed Dec 01, 1993
APPLESEED [Don] at 19:22 EST

Ten Best Uses For A Fruitcake

  1. Fill the Grand Canyon with them and shovel dirt on top, to be used as future source of oil.
  2. Moviemaking. The value of the fruitcake in moviemaking has been largely unexplored until recently. A few projects in the making include, "McHale's Navy Meet the Fruit-cakes," "The Fruitcake That Ate Detroit," and "Hercules and the Augean Fruitcakes."
  3. Send them to flood-ravaged areas, to be used in sandbagging operations and levy building.
  4. Delicately shaped by bandsaws and hydrolic presses, fruitcakes make excellent, organic replacements for Lego building blocks.
  5. Hot air balloonists value fruitcakes as a ballast which, once ejected, cause minimal environmental impact (barring livestock killed from skull injuries).
  6. Buy them all GEnie accounts. They will fit right in!
  7. The events portrayed in the book and movie, "Alive," corroborate the wisdom of building aircraft parts from fruitcake and related resins.
  8. Once it is learned that fully one-third of all the resources ever mined or grown are tied up in existing fruitcakes, citizens will eagerly bring them in to recycling centers.
  9. Finally! A dessert counterpart for SPAM!
  10. Stamp "MicroSoft" on them. People will buy them at any cost and for no apparent reason!

Category 15, Topic 9
Message 24 Mon Dec 20, 1993
FW.PATTYE at 00:39 EST

Congratulations to Janice Maguire for winning the 10 Best Uses for a Fruitcake Contest!! Janice wins the Surprise Holiday Stocking from Cookie Lady.

Thanks to everyone for their GREAT entries and for making this a fun and fantastic contest!


This information came from GEnie's Food and Wine RoundTable and is included here with special permission.
[Return to GEnie's Holiday Web]