ACLU Announces Lawsuit against Santa Claus|
by David Bibb
CHICAGO - The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that
it was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of
the civil rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge
stated that, "Mr. Claus has been violating children's right to
privacy and has been putting that information in a vast database.
The information is then used by the law enforcement arm of Mr. Claus
organization to determine which children are considered naughty or
nice. It is obvious Mr. Clause has violated the children's rights,
as we have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other
company information we have obtained. In addition, we believe
Mr. Claus has been engaging in mind control experiments designed
to prevent the free expression of beliefs."
Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo in
which reads, in part:
Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, was obtained from one of
workers in the distribution department of Mr. Claus' organization,
"...clearly shows a concerted attempt to restrict the rights of
children to free expression and free thought. In addition, there
are concerns about the security of the information. What would
be the result of such a database being made available to other
law enforcement agencies around the world?"
Lawyers at the Justice Department also confirmed today that they were
investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core
of a vast conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources
from inside the Justice Department stated that, "We believe
a large number of parent, ministers and teachers are involved
in this business and we expect several of them will testify
for the State in return for a lighter sentence." In addition,
the same sources indicated a parallel investigation by the
Department and the FBI on possible charges of smuggling on
the part of Mr. Claus, "our records do not show Mr. Claus,
or any one else paying any import duties or taxes on any items
he has delivered. Since Mr. Claus has representatives in all
of the States of the Union we believe he should have to pay
state and local taxes on all of the goods he delivers."
Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, "The charges of the ACLU are absurd.
Mr. Claus is a well known and highly respected figure. His
supporters are from around the world and his message of love
and respect can, in no way, be taken as a form of "mind control"
or a violation of the civil rights of children."
The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a
resident of the United States or any country which the United
States currently has an extradition treaty. It is unknown where
Mr. Claus is at the moment, but it is believed he is hiding out
at his north pole estate.
In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, "I find
the charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be
rejected by the courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe
the Justice Department will discover they have no basis."
Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible
pending charges might have on Mr. Claus' Christmas travels this year.
You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when you're awake,
He knows when you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness' sake.
The Author of this piece, David Bibb, loves feedback.
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